Matthew’s Blog

Book Review – The Anatomy of Peace

What if conflicts in the world, personal, and work life all source from the same root cause? What if we systematically blind ourselves to that cause? And what if, as a result, we are unwittingly perpetuating the very problems that we believe we are trying to solve?

These are the questions that the Arbinger Institute answers in The Anatomy of Peace

I have been a raving fan of the Arbinger Institute’s work going on three three years now since I was shaken to the core by the work as I experienced my family, my brother in particular in a whole new light. A light I could no longer ignor. My work with the Arbinger material has been transformational for me, my clients, and their companies. So much so that Leadership & Self Deception (L&SD) became required reading for all of my clients.

This has created a slight dilemma since not all of my clients are business people. While those that are don’t always want to read “another” business book. Heck, even I put off reading the thing for nearly a year because I was a “leadership” coach, what did I need to learn about “leadership”? The short answer – EVERYTHING, anew.

So I was overjoyed when I learned that they released a new book last month. The Anatomy of Peace is a book that I can recommend to anyone. The language is different, the intended audience is different, but the heart of the matter is still solid as ever. This is a book for everyone & business people too. It takes the work much deeper than L&SD and applies it to life circumstances from family relationships to international conflicts. It is all based on true events and a real executive and the experiences at the Anasazi Foundation Arbinger’s partner in intervention.

The Anatomy of Peace is a prequel to Leadership & Self Deception. It is the story of Lou Herbert, the founder of Zagrum (the company in L&SD) and his journey to Camp Moriah (Anasazi) where he & his wife have taken their troubled son for an outdoors survival program to straighten him out and attend a two day seminar for the parents. We get to find out about what Lou’s transformation process was that began the journey of L&SD. The camp is lead by two unlikely leaders: Yusuf-al-Falah, an Arab, and Avi Rozen, a Jew, each of whom lost their fathers at the hands of the other’s ethnic cousins. The Anatomy of Peace is about how they came together and now work at bringing peace to children and parents who are at war with each other.

This is a powerful book. In many respects it is like being a fly on the wall during part of an Arbinger program. Fans of L&SD will not be disappointed as there is a great deal of new material here. All the juicy stuff they’ve been learning since L&SD was released has been added to the mix. I love the new terminology of the heart at peace & the heart at war. This really puts a firm grip on the issue and takes it out of the logical mind. We can all relate to it. “In the box” and “out of the box” never really worked for me, it seems sterile. This wording touches my soul. The box analogy hasn’t been jettisoned though. It still has a place, especially when mapping out collusion and diagramming the process. They introduce a startling and powerful concept of boxes that we carry with us and how we all in one degree or another carry one or more of these: the I am better than box, the I must to be seen as box, the I am worse than box, and the I deserve box. I think I have visited all four of these in the past four years. How about you? This work applies to all of us. Who are you in relationship with your client? The world? Your spouse?

Matthew Rochte – Seasoned Coaches Coach, Executive Coach, & Coaching Pundit.
Matthew is about helping people be GREAT! To help is coach clients be great
they dive deep to explore the human functioning model, perceptions, business
practices, Arbinger work, SQ Spiritual Intelligence, & Coaching From Within.
He helps his business clients be great by applying the above and working
with their Spiritual Capital & relationships so they can be great.
Matthew is a 15year coaching veteran, serves on the ICF Ethics &
Standards Committee & is MCA’s 2005 Past President
http://www.coachingintentionally.com http://www.workingintentionally.com

© Copyright 2006 Matthew Rochte, used with permission

Tom Krapu, an Arbinger colleague of mine passed on this fabulous article about a tiny woman is in a really out of the box place.

There are two ways to hug (resistantly or responsively), to ways to work, to ways to communicate, to ways to DO anything.
What way of being do you suppose she chooses?

USA Today “The Hugging Saint”

On Lines and Drawing Them

     2005 was a wild and crazy of a year full of challenges, discoveries, and deep profound learnings for me. In December I made a new friend at the Thought Leader Gathering by the name of John Lenker. Now John is an artist, creative, designer, and entrepreneur with a brilliant mind and perspective. When we met, he seemed entranced by the name of my company, WorkingIntentionally™. I could sense the gears turning and locking in his mind. Ever curious I stayed with him in our wisdom circle conversations. He had found in our conversation the lynch pin to a long brewing epiphany. His epiphany hit me hard and struck deep. The the ensuing days and weeks have been full of ricocheted ideas and perspectives into every nook and cranny of my life. I thank John for sharing it me and now allowing me to share it with you. What he said was:

• It is NOT O.K. to draw outside the lines

• It is equally not O.K. to have someone else draw the lines for you

• It is reckless to draw outside the lines before ever having drawn them

    We live in an era which has come to glorify drawing outside the lines. We think it is creative and clever to draw without lines. We’ve let this morph into our business practices. Coaching is no exception. I believe we actually pride ourselves in our ability to draw outside the lines. We may even chastise the idea of drawing the lines altogether. Quite ironic given that a cornerstone to coaching is accountability. In Arbinger speak, I found myself saying “I’m the kind of person who doesn’t need lines.” (Now that is a scary self justifying image).

    What happens when we do draw inside the lines? I remember watching my mother color with me. I loved the way she colored. She would trace the inside of the line very firmly (marking the edge for herself) and then gradually fill in from the edge getting lighter and lighter as she reached the middle. It was mesmerizing to me and a meditative practice for her. Somethings she would fill in completely and others she would not, white is a color too remember? She had a sense of satisfaction upon completion that I never achieved drawing outside the lines. When we fill in the curves: we go deeper; we complete things before going onto the next; we choose to color or not to color; we get stronger; we get more defined; we can claim our work and claim our lives; and lastly perhaps most profoundly we manifest what we’ve drawn.

    WorkingIntentionally™ is about doing the work that was meant to be (intended) to be done. It is about doing the work in a deliberate way that honors who you are. John’s comments echoed in my ears until I realized that I was not living my company’s calling. Speaking from my own experience, my practice did not grow last year. I drew all over the place yet never within the lines because I had never drawn the lines to begin with.

    I have been reckless. I have spent the past three years of my business drawing outside the lines, more aptly – never drawing the lines at all. Never having a business plan. Never fully treating my business as a business. I know I am not alone. Almost every coach I know, with a few exceptions, are in the same boat whether they admit it or not. Does this sound familiar? We have all been drawing outside the lines. We are drawing recklessly without ever drawing the lines. This has got to stop!

    So, as a part of my drawing my lines anew, I am drawing up a business plan this week (I’ve never had one). At Thanksgiving I started a rowing challenge which I continue today. I am scheduling my weeks fully. For the community, I am launching a six month teleclass in February in professional foundations to help coaches bring themselves into alignment around who we are as professionals, help us draw our lines and for some, for the first time. I am engaging my plan, going deep, and building my business within the lines of my business plan. How about you?

     In our resistance to drawing the line we often forget that we can always move the line later. Its like declaring our niche. Without the line no one know who or what you do. Start somewhere, get good at it and then move the line if you want.

A woman was waiting at an airport one night,
With several long hours before her flight.
She hunted for a book in the airport shop,
Bought a bag of cookies and found a place to drop.

She was engrossed in her book, but happened to see,
That the man beside her, as bold as could be,
Grabbed a cookie or two from the bag between,
Which she tried to ignore, to avoid a scene.

She read, munched cookies, and watched the clock,
As the gutsy "cookie thief" diminished her stock.
She was getting more irritated as the minutes ticked by,
Thinking, "If I wasn’t so nice, I’d blacken his eye!"

With each cookie she took, he took one too.
When only one was left, she wondered what he’d do.
With a smile on his face and a nervous laugh,
He took the last cookie and broke it in half.

He offered her half, as he ate the other.
She snatched it from him and thought, "Oh brother,
This guy has some nerve, and he’s also rude,
Why, he didn’t even show any gratitude!"

She had never known when she has been so galled,
And sighed with relief when her flight was called.
She gathered her belongings and headed for the gate,
Refusing to look back at the "thieving ingrate."

She boarded the plane and sank in her seat,
Then sought her book, which was almost complete.
As she reached in her baggage, she gasped with surprise:
There was her bag of cookies in front of her eyes!

"If mine are here," she moaned with despair,
"Then the others were his and he tried to share!"
Too late to apologize, she realized with grief,
That she was the rude one, the ingrate, the thief!

By Valerie Cox
from A 3rd Serving of Chicken Soup for the Soul
Copyright 1996 by Jack Canfield and Mark Victor Hansen

A version of this was sent to me today by one of my Arbinger colleagues Thomas Krapu, Together along with two other coaches we work on staying Out of the Box.   If you want to learn more  - read Leadership & Self Deception then call me.  It will change your life and your relationship with it and everyone else for the better.

This is such a great example of in the box thinking!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

While searching for the original author For a longer version not in verse check out this rendition

OK - Maybe even better - A MOVIE - see it online, its only 7 minutes. http://www.atomfilms.com/af/content/atom_453

So much for FREE DAY today. Today has become "IN THE NAME OF THE PROFESSION DAY"

It has been nonstop today working on, answering calls, bridging people, expanding the community, and lessons coincidental activity.

I had several instances this day where I was super frustrated about some bureaucratic thing or another and in each case I discovered that I was out of relationship either with who I was working with or with what I was working on. I had a steamy email response all prepared for what I thought (perceived~a dangerous place to play) was a brush off answer to my serious question. I was distracted with a phone call. When I returned to the email a new message had arrived from a third party releasing my steam vent into harmless air. The new message apologized for a mistake on their part that effected everyone involved in my first email that caused the snaffu in the first place. My original email was never sent. Apparently my better self was looking after me and knocking on those responsible to wake up.

A message came across one of the list serves about the Fast Company blog (see below) to which so many people reacted rather than respond. I could have reacted, but then I connected to the relationships involved and the change that needed to occur, because change is in relationship too. So I wrote the below response to the original statement and the followups.

It is so much better when you can see the relationship and take responsibility for your own part of it. It is far easier to respond to the issue at hand.

Fresh, handpicked - by my own hands even - BLUEBERRIES.   - I just had a bowl of cereal with my blueberries on top and reflected on my my last FREE DAY.

Fridays are my rejuvenation days.  No work.  No email, No phones - unless I make the call for personal use.  Fridays are my FREE DAY to do what nourishes and nurtures me.   So this past Friday I did what I love to do the most -

 
I have been wanting to pick blueberries for years.  In the past I have missed the window, gone to non-pick your own places, or have been traveling.  Well this year was different. 

It all started while I was kicking back at Starbucks by the Galleria in Edina after my early morning Yoga class.  I was sitting outside relaxed casually reading and watch people venture in an out - mostly in their morning rush.  All the tables were full and I had this table with three chairs I wasn’t using.  

(This is going to sound like one of those out of the box stories - well it kind of was, because I was in an out of the box place in my mind -  Everyone wants to sit outside.  I can choose to be resistant or responsive.  (and if you don’t know what I am referring to read Leadership and Self Deception by the Arbinger Institute)  

This man walk out laden with papers and briefcase and beverage and at a loss.   "You are welcome to sit with me," I say to the man who seems stunned and pleased at the same time.   This was a man on a mission, mailing by hand a number of packages to clients, or potential clients.   I was curious about his process and who he was so I asked gentle probing questions and found out that he was a sales man of medical products - correction- redistributed products of a medical nature.   Bizarre and intriguing stuff in itself.   Anyway.  We chat about contacts and leads and manual versus electronic organizing - mostly me asking questions and him answering.  I get the impression that he can’t figure me out.   He finally asks what I am doing here and share with him that this is my free day.  This catches his attention but he is still a man on a mission and he’s off. 

 However, just before he leaves I ask him "If you were to have a free day to explore new places locally that not many people see where would you go?"  His whole countenance changes.  This palpable relaxation takes over and he suggests that I go to Lake City on the Mississippi.  He returns to the table, opens his sachel and pulls out a map and proceeds to share with me how to get there.   I thank him and he asks my name.   He walks, almost floats off on his way to his appointment.   Change what you thinking about and your perception of the world changes.   

Thus explains the destination which called my attention to BlueBerries.   FARMS are along the way.  So Look up Pick Your Own blueberries in Minnesota and find this fabulous farm called Rainbow Ridge Farm about fifteen minutes S of Hastings (651) 437-7837.  Their blueberries have seen only water, food and sunshine. No pesticides.  You are expected and encouraged to eat and "sample" them as you go.   WHAT FUN!   I walked off with three pounds of fresh picked blueberries.   It is a little know spot but the local families bring their kids to pick for an summer afternoon activity.    Blueberries are probably one of the easiest berries to pick - no thorns and medium in height bushes.  So go get-em before their gone.  In the Midwest the season runs from Mid June to early August.

I am surrounded by gratitude this evening. I have just returned from the Leader’s Circle Dinner for the Thought Leader Gathering™ held at Craig & Patricia Neal’s home. What a wonderful experience of building community. Dinner, intimate conversation, and then the stringing of the beads. The stringing of the beads is like an extended check-in and a thought or question is posed that is in the room. Today the topic was "What are you grateful for?".

I am in such awe and wonder at the depth and soulful connection we all shared. From the gift of children (young and old) to the love and support of our peers and mentors to being different yet being more similar than different.

I am grateful for the amazing network of coaches that presented themselves to me last Fall as I engaged this profound evolution to soulful coaching and being at peace. For the past six or so months I have been working with four coaches simultaneously.- Yes you read it clearly - 4.
Jon Benfer who leads the Arbinger Coaches Network kicked my ass and rubbed my soul to discover how much I love my brother and all of those people I have stories about only to discover that it is really all about ME and about ME in relationship to the world. Thank You Jon. Now Jon is co-leading the Choice In Coaching program which is training me to use the Arbinger material in my coaching.
Clive Prout who works with me on the issues of the Bigger Game around "Bringing Soul To Work". He listens, confronts, challenges, and pushes me over with the art of a zen master. We grapple with issues of the Soul, Work, Intention and the integration of them all. Thank You Clive.
Jan Berg Who is a phenominal coach who I happened upon through my Corvus Peer Coaching Network. I am not her typical client, but I needed her to hold me, keep me sane, keep me focused, and let me meander though our coaching for two terms (6 months). I needed her as a life coach. She held me so reverently that in our completion call last week I described her coaching style as the "lick of a momma kitty." Her voice dialogue session with me was a real eye opener as well. Thank You.
Barbara McAfee is my voice coach who has been connecting my voice, my body and my soul in ways that I had forgotten about or never even knew. For 15 years I have been a 2nd Bass after being a 1st Tenor turned bari-tenor in High School. Barbara, through her grace, skill, training, and "Voice Yoga" has released this lyric baritone out of me. She has extensive training with the Roy Hart Theatre. I am now singing with the Apollo Male Chorus, a 109 year old male choir that is just a delight to be a part of. Barbara is AWESOME.

I have so much to be grateful for, but we’ll stop there today.

I am off for four days to be with myself without distraction at Gunflint Lodge up in the Boundary Waters. I am doing a little business retreat for myself and Working Intentionally™. Look for the results in the new WorkingIntentionally™ website scheduled to debute April 15th.